Giving Too Much: The Limits of Loyalty

Take a look at your own financial picture related to giving. How much do you spend for others? Is this a wise use of your own financial resources?

One of the dynamics I see with some of my counseling clients is that they give too much. I’m thinking of the parent who has a kid in their twenties (sometimes even thirties) who still lives at home, doesn’t pay rent, only grudgingly helps with household chores, and gets angry when the parent tries to set limits.

Part of me cringes inside because I see how much the parent loves the child, wants them to do well in life, worries about their future, and, at the same time, holds to the belief that they have “to do for” their child, no matter what. In this example, the parent is getting taken advantage of. Frequently the parent will suffer adverse health consequences and still tries to soldier on. It is a challenge for me to help the parent understand that, in their effort to be helpful, generous, and loyal to their child, they are actually crippling their child. In addition, they put their own financial life and health at risk.

Excess loyalty to other family members also can be a problem. Providing a safety net for those you love can be a very good thing. However, as with the adult child, family members can grow to depend on the responsible family member and not have to learn from their own struggles.

Here are some guidelines to sort out whether or not you are being too generous.

Are you struggling to meet your own bills (getting behind on credit cards,

facing eviction but still feel obligated to help others out?

Are you going without your own necessities in an effort to help others?

Are you and your spouse arguing about how much money you spend on others (adult child, extended family, a “friend in need”)?

Have you postponed your own retirement so that you can provide for others?

Are the recipients of your money and practical help addicted to drugs, alcohol, or gambling and, what’s even worse, do they resist treatment?

Are you being asked to pitch in for frequent, on-going crises?

Does the recipient get angry when you start to say no?

If you have answered “yes” to questions 1-7, it’s time to consider giving less or even to stop the giving.

Some more questions:

Are the recipients of your generosity appreciative of your help?

Is the offer of help understood to be temporary and not a long-term crutch?

Are the recipients of your financial help making sincere efforts to provide for themselves?

Does your giving help the other person achieve positive goals?

Have you had a business-like discussion with the recipient? Some issues to clarify are a) Is this a gift or a loan? b) How long will the financial help last? c) Are there conditions the recipient must meet?

Here’s a specific example: You, as a parent, will provide financial help for your child to achieve a college degree, but the child must achieve a certain grade point average and complete the degree within a specified time period.

If you have answered “no” to questions 7-12, take some time to consider whether it makes sense to continue with your same level of generosity.

There are times when it is appropriate to be generous with our own resources:

When the recipient is truly incapacitated: a family member is disabled, has no other resources and we are able and willing to help them.

When our own financial house is in order: we are paying our own bills on time and there is no excessive debt.

When we are not fostering continued addiction and self-defeating behaviors in the recipient.

When we give to a worthy cause that is in alignment with our own values. This might include gifts to charity or donations to our religious/spiritual community.

Bottom Line: It may be better to give than to receive, but make sure your giving is helping, not hurting the situation.

Judy Davidson