Couples and Money
Differences in Priorities and Style:
Money (like child rearing and dealing with in-laws) is one of those hot topics that frequently gets couples into trouble. Why is that? With money, as with child-rearing and extended family relationships, you and your partner may have very different beliefs and priorities. In addition, the two of you may have very different styles. You are cautious, controlled and analytical. He/She is impulsive, spontaneous and free-spirited. This is a recipe for friction and money troubles.
Emotional Meanings of Money
Money means so many different things to people. Money can provide a sense of security which may lead you to be financially conservative and hesitant to spend money. Money can be your means to self-esteem and a measurement of success. So it may be important for you to have the “right” kinds of possessions even if you cannot really afford them. Money also can be a way to exert power in your relationship as in, “he who has the most money, wins.” Lack of money can induce lots of anxiety. Lots of money can bring its own set of complications (how to keep it, who decides how to spend it.).
The Challenge of Setting Priorities:
Because money is a tool for getting what you want, and financial resources typically have limits, a couple will need to decide what their priorities are. If one always wins, and one always loses, serious marital conflict can ensue. Just as problematic is the inability or unwillingness to have those tough conversations where you iron out differences and set agreed upon priorities. In general, how a couple deals with money can tell you a lot about how they manage their relationship.
Which Money Management Approach Sounds Like You and Your Partner?
1. Ostrich Approach: Don’t talk at all. Never sit down to have a couple conference about priorities or major decisions. Buy something if you really want it, but forget to tell your partner. Hide bills if money is tight. Don’t have a set system for paying bills. This can happen when people are highly anxious about money and would rather not face reality. It can also happen because of a lack of basic skills in money management. At some point, a couple will find themselves in debt or over their head because they never get a sense of their true financial picture. They may feel a vague sense of uneasiness. They are dissatisfied because they never quite seem to get what they want. They are two ostriches with their heads in the sand—just hoping for the best. Usually some kind of catastrophe arises.
2. Parent/Child Approach: One person takes over the responsibility (becomes the nagging parent); the other person avoids responsibility (becomes the spoiled child). Inevitably, the Parent becomes annoyed and frustrated. The Child becomes upset with the Parent and responds in a childish way: “You are not the boss of me”. “I can do what I want.” Frequently the result is purchases that the couple really cannot afford. The level of discord can often escalate to the point of divorce. In some cases, the Parent gets saddled with the debts that the Child incurred. Sometimes, the Child in this scenario has an addiction--gambling or compulsive overspending. Until this issue gets addressed, money fights are inevitable.
3. Power Struggle Approach: Money becomes the vehicle for exerting power over one’s partner. This can manifest when one of the partner makes more money and feels entitled to make most of the decisions. It can also show up by a partner sabotaging the family budget as a way to convey indirect anger toward the other partner.
4. Taking Turns Approach: The couple takes turns having responsibility for money management so each gets to understand their actual financial situation. Another variation is one person pays some bills and the other person pays other bills. The general principle is that the couple has some joint overall involvement in the daily business of their financial life: Each knows the regular expenses and each has basic financial management skills. Because the couple has designated who does what, there is less opportunity for friction.
5. Adult/Adult Team Approach: The couple sets a regular time to confer about goals, upcoming purchases, and budgets. Even though couple may disagree about priorities and style matters, they treat each other with respect. There is a serious intent to come up with reasonable compromises (or taking turns) so that neither person feels put down or neglected. Because the couple can make money a topic of conversation, and not just something to fight about, they can come up with mutually agreed upon and reasonable goals. This approach helps couples survive economic downturns that are out of their hands (recessions, layoffs) because they have built in a financial cushion for hard times. They also get the fun of spending money on things they really want.
Later this spring look for an in-depth training program sponsored by Karen that will help you and your spouse/significant other hone your ability to be an adult/adult team. Learn more about the following:
- You and your partner’s unique money style
- Results-getting money conversations with your partner
- Stopping those fruitless money fights
- Setting financial priorities together
- Achieving your financial goals
