The Art of Money Conversations: Talking about Money
Talking about money with your spouse/significant other requires the same skills as having productive conversations about other emotional family topics: raising kids, dealing with in-laws and balancing home and work life. Sometimes the tension around tough issues leads couples to squabble. Worse yet, couples may avoid having discussions until they ultimately erupt with each other in frustration and anger.
Couples can learn how to have productive conversations about difficult issues, including money. Here are some ideas for having productive conversations:
1) Be willing to surface your concerns in a calm manner. Be willing to speak about your feelings, not what you see your partner doing wrong. If you lead with an accusation, you will rarely achieve what you want. Example: "I am worried that we are going so deeply in debt. Can we discuss our finances together and see if we can come up with a plan to manage our money better?" NOT: “You are so irresponsible. You just go out and buy whatever you want. You obviously don’t care about me.”
2) As a couple, take some time to explore each other’s money history. What was it like when each of you were growing up? What did you learn from your parents’ methods of handling money? Be willing to listen carefully as your partner shares their story. Be willing to share your own feelings about your history and beliefs. The point of doing this is to increase your compassion for your partner’s current situation. Once compassion enters, couples tend to be better mutual problem solvers. Example: “I am worried about the level of debt we are carrying right now. It was so traumatic when my parents and I were evicted from our house. It happened because they got over-extended and couldn’t pay their bills. What was it like for you as a kid?”
3) Try to get clear about what you do want, not what you don’t want. When I see couples for counseling, frequently they say, “I don’t want him(her) to do x; make him (her) stop!” The problem here is that you can never make someone else change. The only person you have a hope of changing is yourself---and even then, that’s pretty hard. Focus on what you are wanting and consider what change you can make that increases the odds of that happening. Examples: “I want us to make important financial decisions together. I want both of us to have some guilt-free spending money each month. If we did that, I would be less likely to be grumpy with you about money. Not: “You are so selfish, just buying whatever you want without consulting with me and then getting upset if I buy something for myself.”
4) Find goals you both can agree on. Couples rarely sit down to discuss their individual and common goals about money. When you can get clear what you both want and the two of you can agree on some common purposes, you have a better chance of achieving a successful financial relationship. Here are some ideas about couple goals:
- Make sure our kids can afford to go to college
- Plan for a secure debt-free retirement
- Own a mountain cabin or go on an expensive cruise
- Be financially independent by age 55
- Be able to talk calmly with each other about money matters and commit to regular meetings to chart progress on goals.
As a couple, become more knowledgeable about money through taking classes. Speaking of classes: Check out the four-part class, “Build a Financial Powerhouse: A Workshop Series for Couples that is taught by Karen Hahn (CPA/CVA), Dorothy Whitman (financial advisor) and myself, a marriage and family therapist.. This workshop can help you have better money conversations and become more goal-focused as a couple. Call Karen’s office at (408) 263-8888 to get more information.
Judy Davidson